Pity Party: Table of one.
I hate when I mess up really simple things at work. Everyone thinks I am incompetent and dumb when really I just get weary of doing the same things over and over and I make a stupid mistake now and then. Man, it totally sucks.
I feel like a lost person, as far as my career path and purpose. I get excited about my random ideas that would let me stay at home and make things all day instead of going to work, which would never work out. People tell me that I would be good at this or that, but I don’t know how to make any of it happen. They say that I will find my niche, but I don’t know if I believe in niches. I think niches are like unicorns.
I am totally Pam Beesley right now, right?
I turned into a blob last night after my homemade organic pizza sucked and I had to throw it away, and I didn’t have enough lemon juice to finish the lemonade I started mixing, so it tasted like what I used to drink with my friends when we went to a restaurant – we’d order water with lemon and add sugar from the sugar caddy to make a very weak, gross lemonade. I cried a lot and it wasn’t about the pizza or the lemonade, it was about feeling like there is nothing for me out there, and just really depressed. And I look at people around me who are a lot older and just as miserable with their jobs, and it reminds me of why niches are like unicorns.
This morning seemed better, but when I went to check on Kirpi, I thought that she had committed suicide and I felt like I was going to be sick. I was a mess. But after a few minutes, I went back in there and she was fine, she just got caught in a really awkward position attempting to escape from her cage and had fallen asleep like that, and so I had to rescue her. She didn’t want to eat anything and I felt really bad that I had taken her wheel out of her cage (it’s where she likes to go potty so I am always having to clean it, and I hadn’t gotten around to it yet.) and she only tries to escape when she is bored and doesn’t have her wheel. I felt horrible.
There also are two baby ducks that are stranded in our apartment pool. The Mom duck is majorly distressed. The water is too low for them to get out and I was meaning to call someone to rescue them, but I forgot. (We would have rescued them, but the gate is locked because the pool hasn’t opened yet). I hope they are still okay.
I hate these sad moods. I feel rediculous because I know I am a lucky person— I am healthy, I have a nice apartment, a job, great family and friends, I love my husband, our hedgehog is not dead.
And I know there are a lot of neat things I have to look forward to – I’m going to help Adam & Cara photograph a wedding in Philadelphia next weekend, my summer photography class at CCAD is starting in a couple of weeks, we have some little trips planned for the summer (Cedar Point, Put-in-Bay, Michigan), we are renting a house in Cape May in September, yesterday was our 7-month wedding anniversary, we have a bunch of weddings to go to this summer, Mario Party for the Wii is coming out today (and we’ve reserved it) (!!!).
Despite all that, I can’t get out of this sad mood.
let’s get out of this county
we’ll pick berries and recline
let’s hit the road, dear friend of mine
wave goodbye to our thankless jobs
drive for miles, maybe never turn off.
we’ll find a cathederal city
you can be handsome, i’ll be pretty.
May 29th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
I’m in that kind of mood today too… I should be all happy because school is almost over, and then I have Paris, and then it’s summer. But I am worried that my family is falling apart and my brother is losing himself, and if I leave it will all fall apart. And only having one year of school left is freaking me out too. I guess we all have our highs and lows, but at least you have good stuff coming up soon. And I’m really glad Kirpi is okay. Plus, the low points help you appreciate the good moments, and the simple things more deeply. I hope you get out of this funk soon!
May 30th, 2007 at 6:03 am
Dear Jen,
I almost called you last night…now I wish I had! I know from many years of experience that these feelings you have come and go just like the Seasons. Today it sullen and rains, tomorrow it is beautiful and sunny. Your writings and photographs never cease to amaze me. Don’t give up! Niche’s may be like unicorns, but your place in the world is very real and meaningful and uniquely designed by God. (”For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord….” Jer. 29:11) (and as far as the cooking thing goes, you wouldn’t believe how many dishes I’ve thrown out!!!) Love you, Deb
May 30th, 2007 at 9:14 am
I think we all feel like Pam Beasley sometimes. Or a lot of times. But we just need to keep on going because something different will come along.
June 1st, 2007 at 5:39 am
Thanks for the encouragment everyone…
I am feeling better now
(but I think it’s because its the end of the week…).
June 1st, 2007 at 4:20 pm
hey there. what a horrible day/week i’m not sure. i can’t imagine finding kirpi that way. i’m so glad she’s alright. i hate these moods. they always seem to just escalate. i was watching dane cook the other day and he was talking about crying. it was hilarious and so true. he went through all the stages of crying and he got to the point where you’re just a heap on the floor someplace and it feels good so hard- so then you really start feeling bad for yourself and begin thinking of other things that will help you keep crying. that’s what these moods are like- it’s hard to find the happiness and beauty in anything. i think it’s completely normal- and who’s to say how long it will last- but you HAVE to remember the good stuff. i know when i was extremely down and out i would listen to one of my favorite songs by david crowder- it’s called “you are my joy”. for awhile it was the only pick me up i had, but it helped. even if it was only for 5 minutes. eventually though i just gave up. i realized not everything is up to me. my being present in a situation won’t make a difference unless i welcome God into it and trust in Him. it’s hard sometimes… but it’s the only way. i’m slowly realizing that again.
let’s hang out. i miss you. i’ll be back in Pataskala full time this week. woo for me. (( :-/ ))
talk to you soon!! [[keep your head up pretty lady, keep looking towards the Sun]]
ann*
June 4th, 2007 at 7:25 am
I hope you are feeling better. I remember cooking with you at Otterbein and I always thought you were a really good cook. You should have seen me trying to make cookies the other day. I put everything together and then realized I didn’t have a mixer or a stirring spoon so I used a metal spoon and it took forever and made my hand hurt and in the end it never got completely mixed right.
I’m almost out of school. Wii should play some wii.