As I was cleaning out my inbox this morning, I found some folders with old emails from some people I used to correspond with on a regular basis, and I realized that when someone who once was important to you leaves your life, in a sense, you are losing a side of you. At least for me, I am unconsciously different around different people to accommodate their personality or the nature of our relationship. It’s not that I am not being true to myself, but we are all so multi-faceted that it’s natural that we are different around different people. So when that person is gone, part of me is gone, because no one else can bring out those specific things in me.

Isn’t it funny how you can have a person in your life that you can never imagine being without and you wonder how you could even breathe or how your heart could keep going if they left. But they leave. And somehow, you live. And somehow you keep breathing. And when you touch your chest, you can still feel a beat. And then years later, when you are reminded of that time, you don’t even miss them anymore. But perhaps you miss missing them.

I’ve observed that younger people (high school age) are much more careless with each other’s hearts than people my age are. Maybe it’s because by the time you are twenty-something, it has happened enough to you that you understand and want to avoid hurting other people, if you can. But I think it is harder to bounce back when you are older. Because relationships tend to be more committed and less flighty and promises are more significant and thought-out, so when they are broken, you are more broken too.

I wish there was an easier process for everyone. That no one would kiss you unless they absolutely meant it and that people wouldn’t say things they weren’t sure about. And that the moment things changed, they would tell you. I wish people had actual little hearts on their sleeves that you could touch and kiss and put in your pocket or exchange, that were transparent so that you could see all of the feelings and thoughts and people and places that were inside. Maybe we would be more careful, then.

People always say that you appreciate what you have more when you have gone through these things. And I think that’s true. It’s like that somewhat obnoxious Rascal Flatts song. Because if I hadn’t been crushed or hurt or betrayed , I wouldn’t fully appreciate what God has given to me in my soon-to-be-husband. And if I hadn’t watched someone cry on account of me, if I hadn’t walked out on someone, I wouldn’t know that it feels terrible and that I never want to do that to anyone again.

I think that is the stuff that is important to God, and I’m finding out that with all things related to God, there is only so much you can understand and then the rest you have to let go and trust and hope that one day, you will be privledged enough to be let in on.

Sorry that this is all kind of disjointed. But I think you know what I mean.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 13th, 2006 at 10:00 am and is filed under love + some verses. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.